Uneasy

Today as  I woke up at an unplanned 3:41 a.m. I realized an uneasy heaviness within me. I couldn't explain it, told myself it was due to daylight savings time ruining my sleep rhythms, and  attempted to go back to sleep. It worked, for about thirty minutes, then another thirty, etc. I finally said yes to the day, and embraced that sleep was not going to come. I got out of bed and finished packing my carry on, went downstairs, changed the water on the flowers on my altar, and waited for the call from my dad to say he was on his way.

 

I still could not shake the feeling of uneasiness that was at the pit of my being. I tried to message my friend to arrange a what's app talk, I text another friend and wished them well for the day, and finally text another friend and actually wrote out that I was uneasy.  I've never felt this way, I don't believe it was brought on by the looming 32 hours of flying I was about to embark on, nor my mother's fears that a tsunami may hit the Philippines because of the recent earthquakes, I just could not put my finger on it.  Then my friend hit the nail on the head to a certain degree, she said it was "probably because You are about to do something crazy even for your standard." And then it hit me, hit me like a ton of bricks, that the last two and a half years of my life have been "crazy" when looked at from an outside perspective.  I had never let myself feel that feeling in the two and a half years since I quit my full time job of teaching high school.  It's funny how we think that because we tuck away unwanted emotions in the crevices of our brain, they will not be there at some later point in out lives waiting for us to deal with them. Well here I am, on a plane, 30k plus feet above land, still thirteen hours to go before I hit my first destination, and I have nothing but time to think.

 

So as I think about the "crazy" that my life has been, I can allow myself the time to sit with the emotions.  In the last 2.5 years I have left a job that was secure, I was vested in my pension, a relationship of 5 years ended, I have learned to love myself and the life I have been working so hard to create, and for the past three months I've been working at unfucking myself. And yes, it doesn't sound pretty, but I needed to admit to myself that at some point in my life leading up to this point, something or someone fucked me, and in turn I probably did the same to someone else. It's a crazy cycle this thing called life. I believe in karma, reincarnation, samskara, cycles, repetition, etc. and for the past three years my heart was burdened with my thoughts about karma.  What did I do in this lifetime to add to my karmic load? The theme of relationships was one that kept recurring for me.  I was married to someone that I still consider to be one of the sweetest nicest guys, I royally screwed that one, and the others that I just won't sit and count because that's not a pretty trip down memory lane... I started to think about my relationship with my father and brother, and how I viewed their romantic relationships, only to realize I too fit those patterns... I wanted very much to begin to clear the karma I knew I created in this lifetime, who knows what the heck I'm carrying from the others?!?!  So, for the past 1.5 years, my single self has worked on me. Loving me, accepting me, making amends with those people I have wronged, meditating, contemplating, building, and finally accepting that the past me, is not the present me, or even the future me. The lightbulb went on, and something Marina and I always talk about sticks with me. Do the work. We can only do the work, and we can't even know if the work is working, until we are presented with the homework in the form of whatever life throws at us.  How will we handle the situations that life presents to us.  I'd like to think all of "the work" I'm doing is working, but I can never know.  So as I sit on this plane heading to the Philippines, on a whim purchase, to get miles to meet my flying status, I know I'm heading in the right direction, even if I really don't know what that direction is, which is probably the main reason my gut was uneasy.  Do the work. As my teacher's teacher Larry Schultz used to say, "Practice what you teach, and teach what you practice."

Watering my own garden of self love!

Watering my own garden of self love!

Comment